Woah, my last blog post was in November 2012, I knew it had been a while but I didn’t realise it had been quite that long.
Two years and five months… quite a lot has been going on which is why the blog has lain dormant for so long. I don’t know if anyone will read this or even be interested in the whys but it seems right to re enter the blogosphere with a somewhat vague explanation for my extended absence.
At the beginning of 2013 I received some upsetting news about a loved one, someone I adore and cherish beyond words. It was the most breathtaking pain, the kind where you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and replaced with a dark, yawning chasm; a silent empty hole where you heart used to thrive. I wanted to yell and scream and cry for days; it was a pretty shit time, going to sleep each night and waking each morning with the same dark heavy fog in my head.
Then ever so slowly, with time and the love of family and friends, the pain eased and I felt myself returning, a reassuring warmth replacing the icy cold fear, my heart coming back into being, but not quite as before, it was as if it has been hammered by a meat tenderiser; battered, bruised and raw.
For a long time it was too painful to write, to think about it, to go there. So I didn’t, I threw myself into work, fortunately it was during an intense period of my training contract so my workload increased and provided the perfect opportunity to hide away in work. I enjoyed the longer hours and the sanctuary of the corporate bubble but deep down I knew I wasn’t giving myself the space and time to feel and think. Unsurprisingly my own health suffered and resulted in a scare which required surgery last year (that’s a topic for a future blog post).
I don’t always find it easy to write and hit publish, especially something as deeply personal as this, despite what my social media presence might indicate I’m a pretty private person. I tend to write something, attempt to edit it, debate whether or not to make it public then hit publish, slam the laptop shut and run away for a few hours. Mature and rational behaviour, eh?
So all in all the past few years have been a bit bumpy and I had no inclination to blog and bleat about it. I’m also fairly sure no one would have wanted to read the highly charged outpourings of grief, fear and self pity that were consuming my thoughts. Even this blog post feels ridiculously self indulgent, especially given that I’m in a much happier place now.
However, in those harsh times we tend to re evaluate who and what our priorities are, what makes us happy, recognising true friends and appreciating how quickly time flies past us. So I completed my training contract and qualified as a solicitor then decided to take a year out for adventures, I left London and moved to California, land of kale juice, Starbucks drive thrus and sunshine; after a couple of years of darkness I really needed more light in my life. (Sorry if I’ve gone too new age there, I blame LA.)
Much like a polar bear emerging from a long winter of hibernation I’m still finding my way out here, foraging for the best raw fish, scoping out the hottest spots for lounging in the sun and travelling the shortest distances to the best cocktails by the pool.
I saw the red wall pictured below on a street in Santa Monica, it seemed very apt.
This blog is back!